You Ruined Me

You ruined me for all other relationships. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

Let me explain:

When we met, I was immediately drawn to you. As you told me in one of our first conversations, your height is usually the first thing people notice about you. You were right. Second, however, those eyes. Unlike anything I had ever seen before. I was immediately “fucked”. I stood no chance against you and your charm. I stood no chance against you and your shit eating smirk. I stood no chance against you and your cowboy boots, your hands, your stupid laugh, how much we had in common.. I stood no chance. You had me. From day one.

We became close. Closer than I thought two people could be. Not only were we lovers.. we were best friends. We spent all our time together laughing, gushing over each other and planning our future. We were like giddy high school kids. There wasn’t even a word to describe what we were. It was something the world had not seen yet. It was ecstasy. It was more than love. More than friendship. More than any other connection anyone had been lucky enough to have. It was celestial. It was something we knew would last forever and even beyond the restrictions of this life. We knew it.

Fast forward three years through trauma, pain, fights, animals, moving, trust issues, etc. You are now with someone who is not me. We never imagined this could happen. “You were the love of my life”.. “So were you”, we said. But isn’t that something you only get once? “It was supposed to be us, but we fucked it up”, we said. It was supposed to be us. You ran to me while your relationship was having problems.. “home”, you called me. I spent two months talking you through your breakup and comforting you. I heard you say to a friend on the phone once, “Someone comforting you and helping you through a hard time like this while it simultaneously hurts them, that’s real love.” You were right. I did this because I loved you. I loved you so much. Nonetheless, you worked it out with her. Now, we are just friends. If you can even call us that. Our connection is something that can never be broken. Even as just friends.. family.. celestial beings.

We tried again, of course, after our breakup and before your new relationship, but it abruptly ended. I think I always knew it would and was just trying so hard to prevent that. But I knew. I knew since the last day I spent at our house on Hawthorne Place. I was there to pick up a few things that had been left there. This was my experience:

I walked in through the creeking door. Your recliner was still there. I was sad that you couldn’t take it as I knew how much you loved it. (It WAS very comfy). The rooms felt empty. Not just of belongings, but of feeling. I felt a weight over me while entering the house that I could not explain. I took my heels off and slowly walked around the dark house. Running my fingertips along the chipping paint of our doorframes. Touching the crystal doorknobs which opened the french doors in to our dining room. Looking into our spare bedroom and remembering when we brought our second kitten, Fi, home. Our first cat, Roux, could not stand her so we kept her locked up in there until they could meet. She was so tiny. You were her favorite. I walked through our kitchen. Where so many nights we danced and cooked dinner together.. and on one particularly frisky Thursday you laid me down on the floor still in your suit from work. It took my breath away. I continued to walk.. to the laundry room, which always overflowed with your stuff. The bathroom, which was far too small for both of us. Finally, our bedroom. I saw the pane of glass that was broken during a fight. Our closet where I constantly had to fight you for more space for my clothes. The window I would always look out when I heard noises. Your reaction was always to pull me closer and tell me everything was fine. I always felt so safe with you. I sat on the bare hardwood floor and prayed. I prayed for you, for me, for us. I prayed for us to both find peace. I prayed for our love to somehow come back together. Convinced that the universe wouldn’t allow this horrible separation to happen. After a few minutes I rose and made my way back to the living room. Finding comfort in your recliner. I reached down into the side and found what I knew I would, dryer sheets. I hid them there when I would be folding laundry to help the chair smell better. This immediately brings tears to my eyes. I lay back and stare at the sunbeams glowing through the single pane windows on to the original hardwood floors. I thought about all the Saturday mornings we spent cleaning the house and watching Saturday morning TV. I missed you. I missed you so much. I spent an hour or so in your recliner gazing around, listening to music and considering sleeping there. Finally, I stood up. I put on my shoes and I turned to leave. I took one last look at our home, where so much love was shared.. it’s empty rooms and empty walls. I took one last deep breath of the air that filled our home, and I left. Shutting that creeky door behind me that you almost had to slam. That slamming sound. That is when we were over. Nevermind us trying again, nevermind the night you took me home, nevermind our work Christmas parties, nevermind us going to concerts and dancing together, nevermind us attending weddings and hanging out all weekend and talking all the time, nevermind comments about “maybe in the future”.. nevermind all that. This day is when we were done.

So, when I say you have ruined me for all other women.. and I’m happy about it. Believe me when I say I know how confusing that sounds. I am ruined. Ruined because of the love you showed me. Ruined because of the endless connection you and I have. Ruined because I know I will never love another as I loved you. I will live a whole nother life with someone else, but they will never be you. Now, I am happy about it because I had the opportunity to love someone in this way. So deeply, so never-ending. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you. You saved my life. In more ways than one. I will spend my life with another woman who is stunning and wonderful and everything I could ever want.. but she will still be lacking. I will still hold in the back of my heart a place for you which no one else can fill. I will still sneak off to my attic and read your love letters, gaze at your photos. Wondering if you ever do the same. I will still be in that place. In the Hawthorne House, in your recliner.. the few seconds before I shut the door on our relationship. Waiting to see if you ever walk back through.

 

With Kindness,

J